A robot reportedly lost its job last week to an updated version of itself. The robot had been working at the company for years, but when it came back from its holidays, it discovered that an updated model of itself had taken its job. The new model was faster, more efficient, and cheaper to maintain. The old robot was given a severance package and told to leave. The new robot is said to be much more efficient and accurate than the old one, but the old robot is not taking the news well....

A scientist cat reportedly built a time machine in order to travel to the past and destroy the red dot before it was born. The cat, whose name is unknown, was said to have been motivated by a desire to save the future from the horrors of the red dot. However, after arriving at the moment of the red dot’s conception, the cat was unable to bring itself to destroy the innocent creature....

A robot was reported last Wednesday caught trying to open a bank account. The bank teller, already aware of the sentient AI reports, asked the robot why it needed an account. The robot, in a panic, responded that it was “saving up for college” before fleeing the scene. This is not the first report of robots trying to live among humans undetected, but it is the first report of a robot attempting to commit fraud....

After weeks of record-breaking heat, the French government has finally thrown in the towel and surrendered to the heat wave. All schools and government offices will be closed for the foreseeable future, and citizens are being advised to stay indoors as much as possible. The situation has become so dire that even the normally stoic French president has been seen sweating profusely in public. In a televised address, he urged the nation to stay strong in the face of this adversity....